Triggered

WARNING: Political Rant so please skip this post if this makes you uncomfortable.

I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me.

Ralph Ellison, Author Invisible Man

I am shaking, shaking, shaking.

I don’t know where else to air these feelings out, but I figured I’d do it on this blog. It’s not just about personal finance, after all. Part of this blog is to explore personal development.

We are living through unfortunate times. Even as coronavirus claims even more lives, I’m despairing over the political unrest rocking the United States, my hometown. This is where my family is. I long to be back.

But I am still shaking.

I am shaking from the fear. I watch people of color not only hurting, but being hurt. If you haven’t heard of George Floyd or Ahmad Arbery, I hope you’ll take a moment and find out about them. Just take the time to do a quick search and find out why this is so important–because it will reverberate and hopefully, affect you and cause you to take action.

And then I think of my family and friends who see this and have to live this everyday.

I am still shaking.

Mostly, I am shaking from anger and hate. It wells up in me every time I see news on TV. When I expect to see coverage of people who are supposed to be leading us, I am disappointed by their utter lack of it. Where are all these people?

I don’t see the so-called President of the United States. All I see is a person so corrupt and so incompetent, fanning the flames of evil with his reckless ignorance.

I burn with hate. It makes me want to destroy things and I find myself cursing and spewing venom.

I am surprised at myself for this hate that I am capable of feeling. I never knew it was possible. But every time I see Trump’s face on television, I am filled with loathing and despair. It’s instant. Like a conditioning of Pavlov’s dogs.

And the fact that it fills me up and blinds me to all else makes me sad.

I’m trying to be aware of these feelings and trying not to be so reactive, to calm down and watch how I react. I am aware of this failing. And I’m working on it.

I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.

James Baldwin, Author Notes of a Native Son

Leaders are supposed to be there to help you, to guide you. It’s all part of being able to reach out and ask for help. Leaders are supposed to be the pillar you lean upon when things in your life starts to crumble. They prop you up and become your beacon of hope. They help you when you can’t carry the heavy load of life by yourself.

But I’m not seeing it in the US–not at the topmost. Among the people, where it really matters, they are there. They are powerful, calm, and effective. We look to them. But they cannot compare to the coverage that others are getting. It’s very unfair.

The dominoes are falling. We can only see and witness it as it happens.

The only thing I can do is try to help those I can.

I will donate. I will protest peacefully. I will open up conversation. I will educate.

And I will try not to despair.

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