It’s been three weeks since my last post. I wish I could say that I was busy, but I haven’t been really busy. It’s more like I lost some steam and became really lazy. I didn’t do anything productive at all.

Two weeks after the school year, I lost the motivation and got caught up with all the minutiae of work and life. And then I stopped doing the things that made me happy. I stopped doing my morning routine and running. I stopped eating healthy. I’m paying for that dearly now. I’m having trouble starting the habit of running again and I’ve gained a lot of weight.

It’s weird that I go through these periods constantly. Instead of becoming stronger at this point of the year, I have become much weaker in all the goals that I had set for myself.

I’m sitting at our local Starbucks just thinking about all of this. I had to leave the house because being home was part of the problem. I didn’t want to go out and do anything. I just wanted to stay home and watch anime. That’s essentially what I have been doing. We had the Golden Week break, which meant I had a week off. I didn’t do anything, of course. I barely went out.

I think part of this lethargy was the fact that Easter Sunday came and went, which meant that my ban on not watching TV and YouTube was lifted. Unfortunately, this meant that I now had the time to watch a lot of TV. So I started binge watching my shows–and I haven’t stopped. It’s all I’ve been doing. I’ve wasted so much time watching TV and have done nothing to improve my mind, much less continue the work of blogging.

This week, though, I go back to work. It also means I need to get caught up in the things I need to do–like writing and getting prepped for my lessons. That’s part of the reason why I’m at Starbucks right now. I just needed a change of environment so that I force myself to get back into work mode. I don’t have the TV here. Yes, I’m in front of my computer with internet connection, but at least the wi-fi isn’t strong enough to support streaming videos. I have no choice but to work.

I’m so disappointed in myself. I wish my discipline was stronger. I wish I knew what caused this loss of momentum. It seems to happen a lot in the spring. Maybe it’s the change in weather? Maybe it’s all the pollen in the air clogging up my nose and making me feel bad?

I’m full of excuses, but I know just want to get back to my more disciplined self. It’s taking so much longer to get back on track. Running, which I love, has gotten more difficult. Blogging is so much harder to do now. I’m also struggling to cook healthy food. I just hope that getting back into work this week will help me stabilize myself and take me out of feeling like such a failure.