This week is the last week of September, which means three more months left to finish the goals I wanted to accomplish for the year. When I started early on in January, I knew I didn’t want to fill my plate with too many unnecessary projects. I deliberately chose the goals that I thought I could easily accomplish in a year.

The biggest goal was buying my first property, which I’ve fully committed to. But as usual, I am wracked by self-doubt. Again, the steep price of everything is throwing me into a state of paralysis. It’s costing me more time and money than I had hoped it would, and this is making me doubt whether I really want to go down this path. I thought I was ready in my heart, but when it comes down to it, I guess I am still unsure whether I should be doing this.

Again, I’ve already taken the first steps towards this goal so I just need to forge ahead. I’m pretty sure that once I get over this first hurdle, I’ll be able to live with myself and whatever problems or complications arise from all of this. Again, it’s still a pretty exciting project and I’m quite curious how all of this will pan out in five to ten years.

Still, though.

I know what I need to do, but I don’t know what’s keeping me from just doing it. Is it the monetary aspect of the goal? It is a very HUGE commitment, after all. Because I’m buying a property in cold, hard, cash, a third of our net-worth disappears. I’m just very reluctant to actually open up my bank account in order to free up all that money that I’ve worked so hard for.

This is the crux of the problem. I don’t want my bank account to get down to almost zero in order to put down a big down payment towards my goal. At the same time, though, if I don’t do that, nothing will happen and I will just remain in this state of uncertainty and uselessness.

Getting past this fear is easier said than done, of course. Why am I so reluctant to do it when I know it would eventually benefit me in the long run? Haven’t I been saying that I want to become more financially independent? This is one of the paths towards financial security. As another source of income, this could potentially help me reach my goals faster because of the extra cash flow.

I know that real estate investment is a long-term commitment, but the short-term impact of “lost” cash is affecting my psyche. I’m well aware that the path to financial freedom will take a long time and that there are many ways to get there. At the same time, though, I also worked very long and very hard to save up that amount of money.

Having money in the bank is a security blanket–that’s why I don’t want to give up so much of my money in such a short time. That money represents my blood, sweat, and tears over the past ten years. I don’t want to see it drop down to a level where I’m just not comfortable. I can easily imagine the balance at zero, and I feel myself sweating and starting to panic already.

This is quite a difference from when I was in my twenties. Back then, I was okay with having nothing in my savings account. Oh, how casually I can drop $2,000 on a computer and be okay with having just a few dollars in my checking account. Now, I am a better steward of my money and I’ve taken a liking to the way my money is resting in the bank.

Also, it’s not that we will be left hanging if I spend this huge chunk of money. I still have investment savings and emergency savings, so it really shouldn’t be a problem. This property that I buy is also already tenanted so I will be getting money back as soon as I buy it. I’m not really losing money because this is an investment.

I just find my reaction to all this fascinating. I know I have to do it, but I am curious as to why I am procrastinating so much–which is why I wrote this post. It’s a way for me to deal with my doubts.

Now that I’ve written my thoughts down and accepted the reasons why I feel so uncertain about everything, I know that I just need to barrel ahead. My mindset has to focus on the long-term and deal with the short-term pain of “losing” cash. After that, I should be fine.

At least, I hope so.